Longing is a unique feeling. For me it includes aching in my stomach, tingling in my upper sinuses, a catch in my heart, and high shallow breathing. Longing shows up in grief after loss, homesickness, and regret. I grieved after the abuser killed himself. Despite his brutal abuse, I still longed for the person I … Continue reading Lessons from longing
Control by suicide
Imagine that your neighbor built a section of fence from wooden posts and boards. At first the fence stands solid and straight, but after a couple of years, it begins to lean. You discover a secret; the posts weren’t sunk deep enough, so with each windstorm, the boards become sails and intensify the lean. A … Continue reading Control by suicide
Security, privacy, and shame
When a coworker once joked that the marks on my face looked like my husband had smacked me, I laughed lightly and dismissed the idea with a fake smile. She must have assumed I couldn’t possibly be a target of domestic violence and felt free to joke about it. Terrified that she’d guessed the truth, … Continue reading Security, privacy, and shame
At least it wasn’t physical abuse
Some abuse survivors declare with relief at least the abuse wasn’t physical! Maybe they think the mental abuse they suffered was not as severe as someone who was physically abused. Or maybe they’re relieved that they don’t bear the social stigma of the battered spouse. As someone who’s experienced the full range of abuse, I … Continue reading At least it wasn’t physical abuse
Forgiveness
Forgiving our abusers is a strong subject of debate. On-line recovery forums buzz with exchanges about whether an abuser should be forgiven or not. One side argues that forgiving is akin to forgetting, and they want no part of that. Another side argues that we forgive for our own well being, so we must forgive … Continue reading Forgiveness
Anger
Most of us left and returned to our abuser several times. When I left, my friends and family gathered in support, but when I returned to the abuser, their support sometimes turned to anger. I would wonder about their strong reaction to my perceived act of love. I was going to work extra hard to … Continue reading Anger
The Baby and the Sword
Have you ever felt maternal toward your abuser? Have you ever felt the need to save your abuser? I’ll plead guilty to both. To successfully leave the abuser, I had to lay down the baby and the sword. During one of my attempts to escape from abuse, I consulted a counselor who compared an abuser … Continue reading The Baby and the Sword
